It is common to work with a person who puts others first, and who can’t say ‘no’. To these people, placing their own needs first feels rude and selfish. Much of our work is exploring why listening to our needs is wrong, and how to develop assertiveness.
Assertiveness is expressing your thoughts, feelings, beliefs and opinions in a manner that doesn’t violate the rights of others. Other communication styles are: aggressive – violates the rights of others, passive – violates our own rights, passive-aggressive – where someone is essentially being aggressive, but in an indirect, seemingly non-aggressive way (for example sulking in an attempt to manipulate someone instead of yelling).
People sometimes confuse being assertive and being aggressive. But there is a subtle difference in the words used, the time taken, the volume and tone, and the body language. Passive people are also likely to struggle with low self-esteem, lowered mood and feel more anxious. If we don’t communicate what we’re really thinking and feeling, we’re in danger of agreeing with and fulfilling other people’s needs, instead of our own. This can result in feeling we lack control of our life, and can lead to resentment.
Some typical ways we think and feel that affect assertiveness are: self-defeating beliefs (if I assert myself, others will get upset), lack of assertive language or know-how, heightened anxiety when the situation calls for assertiveness so that we can’t think or act clearly, cultural and generational influences (assertiveness not as valued in some cultures, women belonging to older generations were taught not to express their needs or opinions).
Being assertive or passive is a learned behaviour and thinking style. We are all born assertive – think about babies and how they assert their need to be fed when they are hungry. But gradually as babies and small children, our environment teaches us to adapt our behaviour to fit in. For example if pleasing others was important in your family when you were growing up, you are likely to think and behave like this, whereas if yelling and threatening others to get your needs met was the norm in your family, you are likely to think and behave like this.
Like any skill assertiveness needs to be practiced. Remember it’s your right to express yourself in an appropriate manner. Keep it brief and be honest but not rude. Use ‘I’ words instead of ‘you’ words (for example ‘I feel irritated when I’m interrupted’ versus ‘you annoy me when you interrupt me’). Speak with warmth – friendly but firm. Don’t apologise or give elaborate reasons why you can’t do something, or disagree with someone- it’s your right to express yourself. Learn to manage your anxiety in situations when you want or need to assert yourself (get help with this if you can’t do it on your own).
